


I, Solo

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Birthday, Creepy Snoke (Star Wars), Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gay Poe Dameron, Kylo Ren Backstory, Luke Skywalker Is An Asshole, M/M, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Pining Ben Solo, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Secret Crush, Sexual Tension, Tragedy, almost masturbation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 15:56:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17368919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Everyone knows who Kylo Ren is — Dark Side warrior and Supreme Leader of the First Order. But what of the boy who came before, Ben Solo? Who was he? Follow Ben on his journey from Jedi Padawan to Knight of Ren — a journey that changes him forever.





	1. Nineteen

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

I am nineteen today. The same age that Uncle Luke was when he set off on his adventures. The number brings a degree of joy — and terror. Mostly terror, considering that I’ve just woken up from yet another nightmare. 

I have a while to get to breakfast — the Naming Day breakfast, I can only assume. I’m on my way to becoming an adult, and I’m already scared of what I’ll find, what will happen to me. The whole idea of growing up is terrifying, if I am to be perfectly honest. It’s enough to make me wonder what the future will bring. Eighteen was bad enough, in its own way. 

I take out my datapad. Over on the shelves of the hut I sleep in is my calligraphy set that Dad got me for my eighteenth birthday. I can’t help but feel a certain warmth looking at it — it reminds me of Dad, even though he’s far away. 

I still miss them. Even though, most likely, they don’t want me. Mom wouldn’t have left me with Uncle Luke — who hates me for certain — if she didn’t. That and I can remember her arguments with Dad — arguments that she probably didn’t think a kid could overhear, but he did. 

Corellia’s hells, he did. 

Still, the calligraphy set allows me to think of better memories of my Dad. Even if he doesn’t want anything to do with me — but then again, at least I have parents. At least they don’t make me sleep out in the shed like Jake Aris’ sorry excuses for parents did. Everyone’s got it worse than I did; there are probably starving kids on Jakku that have it worse than me. So why am I whining? 

I type into the datapad my most recent findings. The snippets from dreams that I don’t understand — that I probably don’t want to understand, if I’m to be honest. Flaming trees, a blood red sky, orphans in rags...

Do Jedi just have bad dreams? Like, ordinary bad dreams? The ordinary dreams where you’re naked in public or something? I’d kill for those dreams. 

It’s after I type up my findings — it feels like putting a puzzle together, though I’ll be damned as to what the pieces add up to — that I get dressed. My usual white tunic. I take my lightsaber and hook it to my belt before heading down the path to the Academy. 

It’s on the way to the Academy that I end up meeting Poe on the path. He’s emerging from his house — the house that he’s lived in ever since he moved out of his dad’s place — with his orange-and-white droid BB-8, and the moment he sees me, there’s that familiar, friendly Poe smile that seems almost like a brilliant ball of sun. I don’t know how he does it. Well, then again, there’s a lot about Poe that I can’t help but want to emulate. For example, he’s not a Jedi, but he seems to have achieved some Light Side stability (or the pilot equivalent, is there a pilot equivalent?) that I doubt that I could ever achieve. 

(Then again, that’s on me. I’m not a good person. I know this)

”Ben!” Poe says. “Happy Naming Day!”

He hasn’t missed a Naming Day of mine since I first came to Yavin, and I still feel a certain flutter in my stomach that seems to be coming on more and more lately. “Thanks,” I say. I try to smile back; it’s probably a bit forced. Not because I hate Poe — he’s one of those people who seems to be wonderful in every way — but because the nightmare from last night...why can’t I get at least a moment of peaceful sleep? What is wrong with me? 

Poe must be reading my mind, or something, which is uncanny because usually I’m the one reading minds. “You okay? You look a little tired?”

”I had a rough night,” I say. 

Poe nods, sympathetically. Then, “I’ve been there before.”

People like Poe shouldn’t have rough nights. That’s just a fact, in the end. We walk up the path, talking, just talking, about the fact that Poe has to go back to the New Republic Navy soon. BB-8 follows us, and it’s enough to reorient me to reality, just for a moment. 

It’s when we get to the Academy that Poe drops me off. “I’ll see you later tonight then?” Poe says. 

I nod. I am not looking forward to the Naming Day breakfast and training later today, but I am looking forward to seeing Poe. 

Entering the mess hall of the Academy is thankfully small. Uncle Luke is planning on making it bigger, gathering more students there. Probably. Who knows? 

“You’re late, Ben.” My uncle looks as happy to see me as always — in other words, not very. Lina Flynt says that he looks like he’s stepped in bantha dung and never gotten over it. It would explain a thing or two, but not a lot. Like why he hates me. 

“I’m sorry, uncle,” I say. 

“Happy Naming Day,” my uncle says. Still in that flat, displeased sounding voice. That, plus the nightmare, seems to be setting the tone for today. 

I take my seat with Lina and Jake. Jake was rescued at a young age, which...the truth about my uncle is that he isn’t a bad person; it’s just me he hates. For some reason. Jake’s picking at his eggs — which really do look like Dagobah vomited them up, poor Jake — but he looks up at me, grinning as I sit with both him and Lina. “Happy Naming Day, Ben!”

At least they like me. And Poe. There’s definitely that. 

“Thanks,” I say. “How are things?”

We talk, eat, and then the “Happy Naming Day” song gets sung. We leave to train, and I dread this part. I’ve been trying to improve my lightsaber skills, but according to my uncle, it’s either Do or Do Not, there is no Try. (Which his own Master once taught him)

Training goes poorly. Despite my best efforts, I end up knocked flat on my back with Uncle Luke’s green lightsaber pointed at me. I glare up at him, force myself to get up, try again, get knocked down —

“Ben, stop it,” my uncle says, “It’s embarrassing.”

Some of the students laugh. The only thing that makes me feel better is that it’s more uncomfortable laughter than anything else. Like secondhand embarrassment. I get to my feet, glare at my uncle. 

“I was...making myself better...”

“Do or do not,” my uncle says. “There is no try.”

He walks away. I head down the path. Jake and Lina going after me. I can’t face anybody right now. I should be getting better at combat; why can’t I fight? 

The one thing I am good at is kicking things. Kicking a nearby tree gets me a stubbed toe and a yelp, though. Lina’s voice sounds behind me. “Ben? It’s okay!”

”Leave me alone.”

”Look,” Jake says. “It’s gonna be all right. One day you’re going to be one of the best Jedi ever, and Luke’s gonna be a decrepit nobody somewhere on an island.”

I turn around. I don’t want my uncle to be a decrepit nobody, but the first option, proving him wrong...that sounds all right, from where I’m standing. 

“Probably,” I say. 

Birthday lunch and dinner are better. Lunch makes it easy for me to avoid my uncle and the others, and dinner means that my parents visit, along with Poe. My mom chimes in via hologram. When I try to tell her and Dad about the sparring incident, I leave out the fact her brother mocked me. The fact I got embarrassed is humiliating enough. 

“Well, it happens,” Dad says. “You’ll get better at it, Ben. ‘Sides, you know more about the Forms than I do.”

”Same here,” Poe says. “All those rules and regulations and forms and history...it’s a miracle you don’t lose it.”

”Yeah.” In the end, that’s all I can say. 

Presents include an art set from my father (I’ve gotten into art recently, and all it implies), history holobooks from my mother that she’s shipped to my father to bring over, a book on lightsaber training from my uncle (which feels like his way of taunting me), and a kit to put together model X-wings from Poe. I might work on the art, model-making and lightsaber training. Just for fun, for the first two, and to prove my uncle wrong for the second one. 

“Ben,” Dad says. “You okay?”

I nod. In the Jedi Order, you swallow your feelings. In the Jedi Order, you say nothing at all. “Thank you,” I say, and that’s at least true. 

It’s as I head to bed that I hear the familiar voice. _Happy Naming Day, young Solo._

 _“_ Thank you.” I say. The nightmares are horrifying, but the voice is comforting. 

_Skywalker still underestimates you._

_”_ He’s right about me.”

_Far from it. He’s the one who’s weak. He still clings to those outdated Jedi traditions, thinking it will make him stronger. But in the end, he is nothing. You, though...you are special. You have more potential in the Force than he’s ever dreamed of._

Even that’s comforting. And maybe one day I can actually leave the Academy and take my friends with me. Maybe we could become pilots or smugglers like my father. Not politicians like my mother though; politicians are slimy. Except for Mom. She’s at least honest. 

_Sleep, then, young Solo, and think of the glory that your labors will bring..._

And falling asleep, I can believe it. I can. I can believe it.


	2. Doomed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben realizes he’s in love with Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Warning for Luke being a bit creepy in his thoughts here.

The next morning comes in, and I still have a while to process the novelty of being nineteen. I’m nearly twenty, nearly out of my teen years. I have to envy Poe once again; he seems to be perfectly confident regarding being in his twenties. Then again, Poe’s always been confident. I can remember the first time I came to the Academy when I was a boy, and how Poe was just so kind to me. Even then he seemed magnificent, beautiful. 

He’s a wonderful man. He’s charming, caring, has a talent for seeing the beauty in others when they can’t see it in themselves. A good man, basically. I always had a certain awe regarding him, but now I’m getting fluttery around him. I wish I knew what it meant, really. There’s a term called “mynocks in your stomach”, and I can never understand why someone would want a whole flock of those things in there. Dad talked about mynocks once, about landing in the belly of a space slug when they were trying to get away from Darth Vader (who I also have the occasional bad dream about. I don’t know why. I don’t want to have bad dreams about Vader), and they sound disgusting and slimy. No idea why anyone would want them in their stomach, but Basic idioms are weird. One of the Twi’lek students said that Basic is the language that beats up other languages and steals their credits. That would explain a thing or two. 

But yes, Poe...Poe is a wonderful man. The sort of man I want to be — not that I could ever be. There’s something too much wrong with me for that. 

My dreams have mostly been better. In them, the galaxy itself is safe, stable. No more poverty on Jakku. No more corruption in the Senate. Things like that. The voice spoke to me during those times, talking about how maybe, just maybe, I could become the greatest of all Jedi just by resolving these problems. This is who we are, Ben, the voice says to me. This is the utmost truth. 

I wish I had more of those dreams, and not the nightmares. 

I can’t explain everything to Poe when I tell him how my nightmares have gone. You’re usually supposed to grow out of having imaginary friends, and hearing voices isn’t a good sign. But I can say that I did have a good night, just for a change. Did the voice protect me from the nightmares? 

“That’s good,” Poe says. “You deserve to have a good rest, Ben.”

Even that shouldn’t make me feel fluttery. It does anyway. 

Poe continues. “Dreams are pretty funny things. It’s like your mind’s putting together stuff that doesn’t make sense.”

”I wish I had more of those dreams.”

”I wish I did too.”

”Poe...” Now I wish that I could do more. Poe has the occasional nightmare about what he’s seen on missions for the New Republic Navy. He writes to me about it sometimes, and I wish I was more powerful so I could take the pain away from him. 

“I’m okay, Ben.” He smiles, a little crookedly — and stang, that’s adorable — and says, “Really. I’m okay.”

We reach the Academy. I’m never really used to the Academy. Poe claps me on the shoulder. “Good luck, Ben,” he says, and again, my heart skips a beat. “I bet you’ll do great.”

I hope. 

Training doesn’t go any better. While my sparring with my uncle isn’t as humiliating as last time, he still does say that my form is sloppy and unrefined. Maybe he’s right, of course. I’m not a very good combatant. Still...I guess my uncle’s just trying to help, right? It doesn’t really ease the frustration I feel. I wish that I were a lot better at this. 

I wish I were someone else, sometimes. 

It’s after practice that I also take some time to meditate. Cross legs, closed eyes...I should be able to master it, but my thoughts get in the way. Being alone with my thoughts is always unpleasant, which is one of many reasons I hate meditating. That and I don’t understand the use of it. After all, what’s the use of meditation when you have _things_ to do? 

I’m supposed to be at peace, in harmony, serene. I can never, ever be that way. 

I jolt when I feel a presence in the Force, but it’s only Poe. It’s a pleasant surprise. I look up at him. “Flight class end early?”

Poe nods. “I figured I’d come and see you.”

Even the fact he wants to come and see me...

”How are you doing?” he says. 

I grimace. “Stuck in meditation.”

”Oh. Sorry about that.” He sits next to me. “Not a Jedi, but...mind if I join you?”

”Of course not,” I say. “Really.”

He sits next to me. We’re very close. I can already feel his proximity, warm and comforting. In the Force, he’s like a sun — warm and bright and brilliant. 

"Tell me a bit about what you’re doing,” he says. 

“Well,” I say. “You’re supposed to be calm and at peace. I can’t say I’m good at it, though.”

”I think you’re good at a lot of things, Ben.”

I laugh, feeling my stomach do flip-flops. “I wish.”

Footsteps. I don’t have to turn around to see that it’s my uncle. I turn around anyway, and he’s clearly furious. 

“This is completely inappropriate, Ben,” he says. 

“Is there a law against just talking?” I say. 

“Don’t you talk back to me, Ben. I knew exactly what you were doing.” And I can feel his thoughts battering at my own. _Probably trying to seduce Poe, batting those pretty eyes of his...using his pretty face to persuade Poe that he’s not corrupt..._

”Despite what you think,” I say, and I’m still confused beyond measure at the idea of me seducing Poe; I’m not even handsome or charming, “I can be trusted around other people, Uncle."

A huff. “I don’t see what you gain hanging around with that pilot anyway. What’s special about him, really?”

Poe winces. I speak up. “He’s a charming, wonderful, kind, talented man and I...” I pause. Do I love him? I don’t know. 

Luke huffs. “If you say so. You should get back to your meditation, Ben.”

Even saying goodbye to Poe, I realize something. I’ve fallen in love with him. No wonder I felt that fluttery feeling. No wonder I defended him from my uncle. And he could never love me back. I’m not worthy. 

I’ve fallen in love with him, and I’m doomed. 

 


	3. So Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Ben talk, which leads to an interesting moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: I shouldn’t be doing a triple update, but I got inspired.

I hate Poe’s dates. 

I shouldn’t even say that. It’s not like they’ve (always) done anything wrong. It’s not like they’re (always) bad people. But most of them, besides the fact that they’re trying to go out with Poe (and thus give me a feeling in my stomach that Jedi aren’t supposed to feel, but then again, I’ve never been good at being a Jedi), usually end up taking him on bad dates. Some of them really mortifying ones that make me cringe listening to them. 

He’s mostly dipping his toes in. Two so far with different people. According to Poe, they’ve never really reached the status of “established relationship” yet. Not even like a one-night stand. It’s none of my business, and yet...I feel like Poe deserves someone who makes him happy. Someone who cares about him, someone who loves him. 

I love him. I know that. And yet...I’m not worthy of him. I know that much. A blinding, brilliant sun can never fall in love with someone who can’t even fix himself. Disappointment Jedi don’t get happy endings. Well, Revan did, and the Exile, but they at least knew how to hold a lightsaber. 

I can’t have Poe. I know this. 

Even as we sit together in Yavin’s long grass cloudwatching, I know this. He’s talking to me about his disastrous second date, which apparently involved the girl (a real winner, I think sarcastically) chewing him out over things simply not going as they “should have”. 

“Charming woman,” I say, making sure to put as much sarcasm in there as possible. 

“Well, she had a point — ”

”I think it was buried underneath the melodrama.”

Poe’s lips twitch. Honestly, you’d have to be a fool to hate that face. 

Then he composes himself. “Truth is, Ben, I feel like I’m going nowhere. Kare’s got Snap, Jess knows what she wants, I...I’m just wondering if I’m just not...not really...”

”Attracted to women?” I say. 

Poe blinks. “Damn, you’re uncanny.”

”It doesn’t take a Force Bond to read you, young Padawan.” I can’t help but joke with him a little. 

“Padawan, hmmm? Not really complaining, if I get to learn from you.” A beat. “A very pretty teacher at that.”

My face goes hot. Poe isn’t exactly right. I’m not pretty. I’ve caught myself in the mirror a few times, and my nose and ears stick out too much. My father and mother are beautiful people, and I’m...well, I don’t look like them. I don’t exactly have my father’s sheer “cool” factor either, or my mother’s grace and dignity. Being literally anyone else would be appealing. 

Poe pauses. Then, “It was a joke. Not...not about you being pretty. You’re very pretty, Ben.”

I smile, feeling a bit shy. “You’re too kind for your own good.”

”I’m serious.”

I pause, trying to take it in. Poe, possibly the galaxy’s most beautiful man, calling me pretty. I almost panic. I don’t deserve it. I’m unworthy. 

“Thank you. And you’re...beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful.” Not just his face, but his gentle, loving nature. Everything. 

He places a hand on my shoulder. Then both hands. He’s close to me and I want to kiss him under the clouds — even as the memory of Uncle Luke’s thoughts comes back to batter me with renewed intensity, it sounds so faint. 

He’s close to me. His lips are so soft-looking and I want to kiss them. 

“You’re breathing hard. And your heart...” He places a hand over my heart, which is beating too fast and only flutters under Poe’s touch. “Are you okay?”

I nod. 

“Good.” He backs away. “I wasn’t too in your space, was I?”

”No.” Stars, but my skin feels like it’s heat. 

We’re silent, and by the stars, I want to be not just one of Poe’s dates, but...how do I even put that I want to make him truly, deeply happy? It’s like I can’t find the words. 

I don’t just want to be his friend. I want him to love me too. 

Back at the hut, I’m already realizing how much Poe’s proximity had an effect on me. Him taking my shoulders, like I was fragile, precious, and the way he looked at me. My whole body’s feeling it, the way he touched me. 

I trace my hands all over my shoulders, my neck, imagining that it’s Poe’s touch on my skin. I’m on fire, burning. I circle around my nipples, which feel so sensitive, down my belly...

...and I stop. Someone’s watching me. It’s not my uncle. I know that. The Force presence — it’s my strange friend. Is that another side effect of the bond we share? It’s an unsettling one. 

I slide into bed, thinking of images of Poe being close to me just to ward off the nightmares. Maybe the both of us as lovers, holding and held. Maybe...

Maybe...

 

 


End file.
